You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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