Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
