I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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