god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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