dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
