It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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