Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
