He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
