If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
