I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
