It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You are the jesus of drinking
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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