I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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