Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
