went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
