Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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