I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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