dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
