woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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