the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
