Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
