Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
