I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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