Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
