Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
