my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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