saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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