My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
