Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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