so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
