i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
