i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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