a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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