I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Randomize
