i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Can I color on your dick again?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
