her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
