My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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