I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
