I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
