When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
