Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
