I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
