Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize