i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
