No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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