i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
