she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
