It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
