i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
