someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
