Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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