I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
