hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I can't turn off my feet"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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