I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
