Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
