i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
