We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize