i just sent this text using only my big toe
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
