What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
