Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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