i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Congratulations! We have a period
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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