Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I AM VODKA MAN
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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