I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
